How much do you know about being a firstborn in an African home?
In Igbo culture, the firstborn holds not only a title but also traditional authority. The firstborn son, known as the Diokpara, is expected to inherit his father’s Obi, the family compound used for ancestral connection, social gatherings, and family decision-making, making him the keeper of the family’s legacy, whether he is ready or not. The firstborn daughter, known as Ada, holds equal reverence and, upon marriage, joins a respected council of women called the Umuada.
This is not unique to the Igbo culture. Among the Zulu people of South Africa, a ceremony called Imbeleko is performed for newborns. To perform this ancestral ritual, a goat is slaughtered, and the child is formally introduced to the ancestors of the family’s lineage. Failing to perform this ceremony is believed to bring misfortune upon the child throughout their life.
Being the firstborn has been referred to as both a blessing and a curse. A blessing to those who tap into the power bestowed on them and the opportunities that come with the role, but a curse, however, to those who wish, if reborn, never to be a firstborn child again, because of everything they were made to carry.
But there is another side to this coin, the mental load of being not just a child, but the first child who becomes an unpaid, unofficial, unacknowledged assistant parent.
The Unspoken Role of the African Firstborn
The role of the firstborn child in an African home, though typically starts at birth, becomes more pronounced as the child grows older. And there are usually two paths it may take. The first is where they have a conscious parent who allows them to grow into adolescence or adulthood before fully assuming the role. Then there is the other path, where, from a much younger age, though the child may not know the word parentification, it becomes their reality. The latter is usually the case for most, and that is our focus here.
The Sibling Caretaker
When a parent needs to leave the house and leave the children at home, the oldest child is told to look after their younger ones, given instructions on what to do and what not to do. Age does not always matter here, as long as the child is old enough to walk and talk. In countries like the UK, underage children are not allowed to be left alone in the house, as it is considered neglect. In reality, this is not the case in many African homes.
When I was a teacher, I saw children as young as six and seven years old walk to school with their younger siblings in tow. Though parents may be frowned upon for doing so, the matter easily dies down as it rarely goes beyond gossip and a one-time outburst from a concerned neighbour. So, at that young age, the child learns to be responsible not just for themselves but also for their younger siblings. Children raised this way often take on adult-like responsibilities early, which can shape how they think, behave, and respond to pressure. However, in adulthood, many of them struggle with self-regulation and stunted emotional growth, which often manifests as people-pleasing habits and chronic anxiety.
Mediator and Referee
When asked to define these roles, it would never cross your mind to define them with a child in mind. What is even more concerning is a child being placed in the role of a mediator and referee to two grown adults. This happens when there is a quarrel or misunderstanding between the parents, and the firstborn has to step in to de-escalate the situation. According to a study published by the Attachment Project, during parental arguments, the child frequently becomes the mediator, taking on the emotional responsibility of managing conflict between two adults while their own emotional needs go completely unmet.
For a child in this situation, they are forced to settle conflicts that they may not even understand the root of. Similarly, in a family where there is domestic violence, usually violence directed at the mother, the child also steps in to comfort the mother and confront the father for his destructive actions. And it does not stop there. They also have to step up to protect the younger siblings if the father’s rage were to extend to them.
These roles also include representing and advocating for the parents in social or formal situations. Even when the parent is present but not willing to engage, the firstborn has no choice but to take up the role.
Family’s Proof of Success
There are standards firstborn children have to live up to. These standards are not just set by the parents but by society as well. In a typical African home, the first child has to be responsible in all aspects. They have to be well organised and oriented, exhibit leadership qualities, and make smarter decisions, just to name a few. And anything short of this starts to look like a disgrace. Oftentimes, these standards are accompanied by statements like “Don’t you know you are the firstborn? You need to set a good example for your younger ones”, or “As the first child, it is your responsibility to…” and the list never ends. And again, age might not matter here.
When a child learns from a young age that there is a long list of standards they have to live by, they carry that into adulthood, all with the mindset that being anything less is a disgrace. A study analysing data from over 182,000 children found that by the age of eight, firstborns with siblings are 48% more likely to experience anxiety and 35% more likely to be diagnosed with depression compared to their later-born counterparts.
Although this study was not conducted specifically on African children, the psychological patterns it identifies are not unfamiliar to African homes, where the weight of these standards carries cultural and generational consequences that run far deeper than any single statistic can capture.
Financial Emergency Contact
In a dysfunctional African home, it is not new to find firstborn children doing menial jobs to help support the family’s finances and, depending on how dire the situation is, they might have to drop out of school entirely to work full-time. In Nigeria, a 14-year-old girl, Faith, is one such example. She was a student her teacher described as one of her best, who now sells peanuts on the street, her dream of becoming a doctor slowly fading with every school day she misses.
Younger siblings are more likely to contact their oldest sibling for an urgent 2k without necessarily caring whether they have it or not. Parents sometimes add to this pressure as well, which forces some firstborns into illegal and morally compromising situations just to stay afloat. This is seen in cases where a firstborn might be involved in fraud or online scamming, spending the money on the family without the parents even bothering to ask where it came from, when only yesterday that child was struggling to feed everyone, and then all of a sudden they just bought a Toyota Camry muscle.
On the matter of dreams, firstborns are more likely to quit or pause their aspirations to support their families financially, which often results in chronic stress, emotional suppression, identity confusion, and feelings of resentment or unfulfillment, as they struggle to balance personal desires with a deep sense of responsibility and obligation.
Conclusion
The roles firstborns carry, if they were to be listed based on cultural, societal, and family expectations, would be longer than anyone may have the patience to sit and write. But the aspect that is often ignored is how managing those roles affects them mentally. And to be honest, they are often not appreciated enough. A child, whether first or last, before birth order, is human. Though order may matter, paying attention to their emotional needs, personal identity, and mental well-being matters just as much, if not more.
What this highlights is a reality that often goes unspoken: behind the strength, responsibility, and dependability associated with being the firstborn, there are real psychological costs that deserve acknowledgement. Recognising this is not about assigning blame or dismissing cultural values, but about creating a more complete understanding of the lived experiences shaped by these expectations.
Ultimately, the goal is simply to ensure that the conversation around family roles also makes space for the mental and emotional impact they carry, particularly within the context of firstborn responsibilities in African families.
Author: Chinasa Lovlyn Nwachukwu is a mental health coach and writer passionate about raising awareness across Africa.
