My failures led to depression
I am someone who has always been involved with a lot of things, most I do to make money. And because of this, most people around me usually envy me, thinking I’m successful in all the things I do. But in reality, all the things I get myself involved with, don’t always turn out fine at the end of the day. As a matter of fact, I’ve been struggling financially. When my friends ask me about my hustle, I don’t usually have something reasonable to say. For this reason, I started doubting myself and my capabilities. I considered myself a failure. I stayed up most nights wallowing in my thoughts, thinking about how to fit in this universe, and how to find my purpose. I became depressed and felt so lost and disoriented. I often got lost in my head and thoughts and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I struggled terribly with my mental health, which began to affect me physically.
Depression completely took over my life
Depression almost became my new identity. I tried to get myself together, but it felt like an impossible thing to do. I started to lose appetite, suffered from insomnia, spent most of my time in my thoughts, isolated myself from everyone around me, skipped classes and ignored people’s calls and text messages. I became a shadow of myself. Depression shaped the way I reasoned and viewed things. It affected my decision-making, and I made a lot of bad decisions which I regret because they affected me and the people around me. Every single day, I questioned the reason for my existence. My life was void with no meaning at all.
Challenges that came with being depressed
The challenging thing about depression for me is, it’s like a blockage. In the sense that I found it difficult to concentrate on whatever I was doing. Coming up with new ideas on tasks I worked on was more difficult than ever. I felt stuck. I tried encouraging myself on several occasions to try new things to cope with depression, to keep me sane and make meaning out of my life. But I couldn’t achieve this. The problem was, I felt as if the world was moving so fast and I couldn’t keep up. Additionally, starting up a new thing and not being able to complete it was my greatest challenge ever. I struggled to get halfway and completing it was always impossible to achieve.
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How I found peace with myself
My friends noticed the symptoms I’d been having and tried to get help for me, and recommended that I saw a therapist. But, before then, I never felt that was important. For me, I believed that the depression symptoms I was having were a result of me trying to figure myself out, so if I could eventually find what gives my life a purpose and become successful, then I just may not be depressed anymore. But, when my symptoms persisted, I realized that may not be the case. So, I decided to get help and work on getting better.
Recently, I’ve found comfort in my pen and paper. Whenever I feel emotionally disconnected or filled with thoughts, I found that pouring out my feelings unto a paper helped me feel better. This has been therapeutic for me. I’ve also found solace in music, particularly country music. Music uplifts my soul and elevates my mood. I could relate to the lyrics of the songs I enjoy the most, and it somewhat brings my horror out into the light and pulls my wandering thoughts together. Exercise has also been helpful. I sometimes go to the gym, play football, basketball and volleyball. Exercise has increased my mental alertness, energy and positive mood. I now understand that spending time with others is beneficial for my mental health.
I understand that everyone’s experience and struggle with depression may be completely different, but no matter what, don’t give up on yourself. Focus on getting better and find what works for you and stick to that.
Godwin is a computer science and technology student. He loves to play basketball. His guitar, pen and paper are his closest friends.
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wow!!! relatable